A very Lancaster conversation

Overheard yesterday. A woman talking to another woman she was hosting for the weekend.

Woman 1 I thought we could all eat out together tonight. My treat. There's a good pizza place round the corner. It does gluten-free pizzas too so it should suit everybody. Would that be alright for you?

Woman 2 Mmm ..... I don't eat grains. Or potatoes.

Woman 1 Oh. Let me think ..... I know! There's a good pub down the road. There should be something on the menu there you'd be happy with. Let's have a look. [gets menu up on phone]

Woman 2 I should add I don't eat turmeric ..... or goji berries.

Woman 1 [ignoring those details] Here we go. Starters ..... sauted mushrooms .....

Woman 2 I can't eat mushrooms. My mum's got arthritis, you see, and the trigger seemed to be mushrooms.

Woman 1 [ignores this and continues determinedly] Baked camembert.....

Woman 2 I DO eat cheese, but only unpasteurized ..................... Can I just say that I do want to take responsibility for my own needs here. If I end up not eating tonight, it's no-one else's fault. 

Woman 1 [Puts phone down and tries a new approach] So ..... if you were at home and you were eating out, what type of restaurant would you go to?

Woman 2 I don't eat out. It's not a pleasure for me. I prefer to go to the supermarket and cook what I want. 

Woman 1 [Getting assertive] Well, there's no supermarkets round here. And you see, I don't enjoy cooking, and I will have been working all day, so I'd just like to go out and relax.

Woman 2 Well, if I HAD to eat out, I'd probably choose a fish restaurant.

Woman 1 [relieved] Okay! I know a great fish restaurant [gets up menu on her phone] ....Starters .....Thai prawn and cod cake ......

Woman 2 Oh, I don't eat shellfish. I'm not sure, but I THINK I'm allergic.

Woman 1 [Exasperated] Do you eat meat?

Woman 2 [Like it's a silly question] Oh yes, I eat meat.

Woman 1. Perfect! We'll go the pub and you can have a steak.

Woman 2 I only eat proper steaks.

Woman 1 [Incredulous] What's a 'proper' steak?

Woman 2 Grass-fed.

Woman 1 [getting up and walking off] Well, I'll get you a normal steak, but if you want a grass-fed snake, you can buy it yourself.